How mindful are you in your relationships? | Raeveen Pasupathy

Relationships may sound like a cliché, but love is a mystery. No matter how much we love, or for how long, love is something that will always elude our understanding.

Many of us define love as an intense feeling of affection. And some of us see it differently, like me. To my understanding, love is a way of being present. Through love, we gain a deeper understanding of each other, and the world we inhabit.

We are all born with the capacity to give and receive love. But those who have suffered neglect or abuse in their childhoods or in past relationships may find it difficult to relate and commit to another person.

In this article, we’ll learn on how you can be move to others, and more open to receiving love. I will be referencing several key points from the Buddhist concept of mindfulness.

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Five aspects of mindful loving
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Ask yourself; What is your first childhood memory? Perhaps, it’s your parents reading you a story, or bandaging your knee after you fell from your bicycle?

As children, we rely on our parents to meet our emotional needs, and to make us feel safe and wanted. The emotional support we seek when we’re young can be broken down into what I will call as A’s. They are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing others to be who they are!

In the same context, receiving these five hallmarks of love is crucial to building a coherent identity and personality and to developing self-esteem. But they’re also essential to building strong bonds with our partners in adulthood.

At every stage of our life, we need to nurture loving people attuned to our feelings and responsive to our needs. The five A’s mentioned above is all we need as an individual to foster personal power, cultivate serenity, and enhance our ability to love and be loved.

So, let’s take a look at those five aspects in-depth:

First up, attention. In relationships, being attentive to our partners means listening to their thoughts and emotions. Often, this involves being what I call as “Mindful witness”. Our loved ones may have suffered abuse, betrayals, or hurts in the past, and, as their partners, it’s our job to listen to their story respectfully.

Second, acceptance. Mutual acceptance is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. When we find someone who loves us — with all our feelings and emotional burdens — we feel liberated. We don’t have to hide behind a mask because our partner loves us for all that we are.

Third, appreciation. This involves valuing our partners’ gifts, knowing and understanding their limitations, and supporting them in the pursuit of their dreams and desires.

Then, affection. It involves holding and touching our partners in respectful ways. Receiving affection in the form of kisses, hugs, or even a gentle smile across a room helps us feel loved and wanted. It meets our childlike need to feel safe and secure.

Lastly, allowing life. With all their sorrow, ecstasy, and heartache — Without taking control. This is all it takes to be present in a relationship; To love and to be loved.

“Our human journey is about finding out what love is, and then learning to give and receive it.”

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Childhood emotional scars can affect adult relationships
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Our experiences growing up influence our behavior in later relationships. For example, people with unhappy childhoods may be more likely to tolerate abuse from their partners in adulthood. This is because their primal needs — The five A’s — were actually unmet when they were a children.

So, what’s the psychology behind this?
When abused children feel unloved, they keep going back to their parents to fill the void — Only to be shunned again. They think to themselves. “You keep hurting me, but I can’t leave you”.

This is why many people stay in abusive relationships in adulthood; Instead of thinking that their partners were wrong to abuse them, they believe that they are the ones who are defective. They keep going to their partner for love, only to find that those partners have none to give!

So, how do you break out of this vicious cycle?
You have to heal your past traumas. That means grieving your childhood feelings of loss or neglect.

To begin the process of healing, you need to share your painful memories with a person you can trust, like a therapist or a friend!

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Love is not hard, but requires you to be present
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In the movies, love is often portrayed as a happy accident.

A typical scene goes by like this:
“A women walks down the street and bumps into a man. His coffee goes flying on his face. As she tries to help him, the pair lock their eyes and smile. And by the end of the movie, they are already married.”

This scenario might sound too good to be true. But it’s not far from what can happen in real life. In fact, when we don’t actively look for love — And are content with ourselves — We open up a space for the right person to walk in.

“Once we know how to care and respect ourselves, we can engage in rewarding relationships.”

Getting to know someone can be scary — Especially for those who have been in hurt in the past. That’s why taking care of yourself should be the highest priority. So how can you do this? 🤔

First, make yourself an unconditional rule that you will not change yourself to make someone want you. Be yourself and the right person will unfold. Changing yourself will wreck havoc in your self-esteem!

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Get to know me
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Raeveen Pasupathy
I have been practicing Human Psychology for 10 months prior to my professional certification and license. On the other hand, I am a Software Engineer with 8 years professional experience and certifications.

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